I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire

My title is a nod to one of the most wonderful set of crooners I know.  The Ink Spots. If you've never been introduced, consider this your introduction.  From the first moment I heard them on the Shawshank Redemption soundtrack, I was transported.  I call it my "laundry hangin music".

In my early twenties I had a vision (the future I wanted) of me on a sunny afternoons.  Hanging my laundry on the line.  A slight breeze blowing my gossamer gown, my sunlit hair tickling my lower back and shoulders.  An open window would carry music on the breeze.  The Ink Spots, Ella, Billie, Count Basie, The Duke...  While this was going on, the man I love would come around the corner and see me basking in the sun.  Doing my wifely duties.  He would come up behind me,throw his arms around my waist, kiss my sunburned shoulders and...whew....is it hot in here?

Speaking of heat.  Let me take the opportunity to introduce you to...

Satan's Stove.

No joke.  This stove would try the patience of Job.

Oh wait I have a much better view:

Now that is more like it. 


Before The Move, we asked what kind of appliances were already here.  We had a stove at the the other house.  It had a burner that did not work.  I made do.  The oven and the other three burners worked well.  It was a glass top. I felt a little meh about it.  I like the idea of the glass top.  Not the care and upkeep.  I digress.

My husband asked his step mom about the situation.  She assured us there was a stove.  He asked what kind it was and her response was "Well, it works."  Red Flag!  Needless to say we said goodbye to our stove and hello to Stovie-Charrer of Doom.

Oh it works.  It works well!  The oven stays in a constant preheat mode .  I have to figure out how long it would take most things to cook on broil, and which rack position will be the least damaging to the food.  One of the burners works okay, but heats one half bright red, the other, sullen black.  The others either don't come on, or won't shut off.  That brings us to the best part:

Notice, three knobs for four burners.  When the knob disappeared, I had the darndest time getting the burner to turn off. It was warm to the touch for several hours.  I finally gave up, then came back and it was cold.  The smallish knob is for the oven.  It is quite prone to throwing parts onto the floor. Spontaneously.

Yeah.

One afternoon I was making bread.  The loaves have to go into a 450 degree oven for 10 minutes, then bump it down to 350 for 30 more minutes.  With Stovie, that means 350 for the first 10 minutes, then 250 for the final bake.  I left the kitchen for the 10 minutes to take a thisquick shower.  I could hear my son saying "What the heck?"  then he knocked on the bathroom door.

"What temperature did you have the stove on?"  I smelled something burning.

"350 like I was supposed to!"

"Well it was at 500 and your bread is burned."

"WHAT?????  I set that thing at 350!!!!!"

The result was raw on the bottom, charred on the top bread.  My beautiful dough, molested by this agent of the evil one.  I started to think we had a ghost. 

Here is another example:

This is tonight's dinner.  Pan fried pork chops.  All cooked in the same pan at the same time, same temp.  Low.  Notice anything?  @#&@#@*!

Once again, my camera is on the back burner ( OH HA HA HA!) because I have to replace the stove.  No gettin around it.